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Hey Doc,

I recently finished a semester at my college. There I met Roxanne on the third day. She was in several of my classes, and I found her to be attractive, smart, funny, and she shared some of the same interests as me. We would sit next to each other in class, hang out together during our 30-minute break between classes, and then sit next to each other again.

One of the classes required that we participate in a rope obstacle course for two days so that we could write about the experience. A time came when the students were asked to choose partners for the obstacle course and Roxanne and I became partners. The whole time we were doing the course, she stayed with me and never left my side. I believe her true self came out when she started to sarcastically joke around with me and I would do the same with her.

One day we decided to leave campus and go and get some coffee. We got lost and drove around for a while, but I didn’t care at all that I was half an hour late for class. All I cared about was that I was spending time with Roxanne. At that point we spent the majority of two whole days together. On the last day of class, I planned on telling Roxanne that I really enjoyed spending time with her and that I liked her. But as we were walking to our cars, she indicated that the last day we would probably ever see each other wasn’t such a big deal, where to me it was. So I decided not to do the whole “I like you” thing because I thought it would come off as too strong.

I know that Roxanne is very close to her hometown friends, and that she drove about an hour and half to spend time with them every weekend. For about a week after classes ended, I refrained from communicating with her to make her either miss me or wonder how I was doing. Then I texted her and asked if she wanted to go to a bar with me on the weekend, and she said, “It sounds like fun, but unfortunately, I’m spending the weekend with my friends.”

So now what I’m trying to figure out is did all that hanging out for a whole semester just strand me in the friend zone, or do I have a chance with this girl?

Manfred – who probably didn’t handle it right

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Hi Manfred,

Right off the bat you had a problem with Roxanne. What you and she were doing was spending time together when you weren’t dating. To you Psych majors, you should only spend time with a babe you’re interested in when you’re dating her.

You say that you and Roxanne became partners for the obstacle course. The important question is, did she choose you to be her partner or vice versa? And why would she leave your side during the course? She was your partner, right? You might have been joking around with Roxanne, but you’re not telling me anything whatsoever about her Interest Level in you. You were doing all this stuff together under the guise of being classmates – in other words, as friends, which means you were in the friend zone. Nothing more.

You might have been ecstatic driving around alone with Roxanne, but the more important point is whether she was ecstatic driving around alone with you. Again – what was her interest in you? Then you spent two whole days with her. That’s way too much time together, guy. You spend two days with each other after three to six months of dating. So you handled this all wrong, Manfred. And by the way, did you ever think that Roxanne was hanging out with you because she had nothing else to do or just wanted to study with you?

Nevertheless, you planned on a great revelation on the last day of class, telling Roxanne that you liked her. Manfred, now I know that you don’t have “The System” and you know absolutely nothing about Challenge! The woman is the one who is supposed to come on heavy, not the guy. Think about it, buddy: you were about to tell a girl that you never dated that you dug her! What sense does that make?

Parting ways with you on the last day of class was no big deal whatsoever for Roxanne because she has no interest at all in you. My friend, you built this relationship up in your mind out of all proportion to reality. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “It was nothing but hot air.”

Coming off too strong is saying I like you to someone who doesn’t like you. And that’s what you were about to do, Manfred. But it wouldn’t be too strong if Roxanne told you she dug you first. Then again, you know nothing whatsoever about women!

How do you know that one of Roxanne’s hometown friends isn’t her boyfriend? Manfred, you were just a nice guy to drink coffee with and study with, that’s all. You kept your hands to yourself, you didn’t come on to Roxanne, you didn’t try to kiss her, you didn’t even ask her out and you didn’t date her – you’re the PERFECT friend! Dude, you’re supposed to DATE women, not turn into their girlfriend!

I’ve got news for you, pal: women miss you only when you’re dating them. And that’s why Roxanne wasn’t moved at all when you said goodbye. They don’t miss you when you’re just a pal. When Roxanne said she was spending the weekend with her friends, you should have asked her out for the following weekend, and if she said no, you would have known you were out. But you didn’t do that because you don’t have “The System” and don’t have the foggiest notion what to do when it comes to females.

Yes, all that hanging out for an entire semester did indeed strand you in the friend zone. And that’s the best piece of reasoning in your entire letter. You entered the friend zone, you lived in the friend zone, you stayed in the friend zone, and now you’re history in the friend zone. Why? BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE MY BOOK. You have no chance with Roxanne because you didn’t approach and handle the situation properly from the beginning. And that’s because you weren’t trained by me.

The really sad part is not that Roxanne is history, but that you’re going to pull the same stunts with the next woman you meet, and the next woman, and the next. Why? Because like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Man repeats his mistakes from woman to woman.”

Remember, guys: once you step into the friendship zone, you’re dead.



A few weeks back we talked about the “Online Hoop Jumper” whereby a woman that wanted you to do extraordinary things just to meet her for coffee was a waste of time – so let’s delve into another waste of time – peppering women with multiple emails while getting no response.

She got your email guy – especially if you see, as is the case with most online sites, that she viewed your profile.

If she doesn’t respond to you after one email then forget it. Sometimes you can get a response from the 2nd or 3rd email you send but it’s a rare occurrence and a big waste of time because the girl didn’t see enough in you the first time to have enough INTEREST LEVEL to email you back right away.

That’s an important point – you want there to be at least some level of attraction coming from her just like you would in the real world. Of course the true PHYSICAL ATTRACTION TEST comes when you meet but if she didn’t see enough to email you after your first message to her then your chances of her actually liking you in the real world are way down.

Think of you going through profiles – you see some women that you think “eh, she’s okay” – some are “no way” while others are “wow, I want to meet her!”

Unless you can get a girl that has “wow, I want to meet him” as her response when she first gets your message then it’s not worth it. The girls that respond after 2 or 3 emails have you in the “eh, he’s okay” category and maybe they got blown off by the “wow, I want to meet him” guys so they’re thinking it’s no big deal to give the “eh, he’s okay” guy a shot.

That’s where things get dangerous because as a SYSTEM GUY you’re likely to be good enough to move her into the real world for a coffee date since it’s really a low commitment for her – and she’s going to “try you out” instead of being excited to meet you like she would if you initially fell into her “wow, I want to meet him” category.

Now, in rare occasions she might have perceived you as “eh, he’s okay” via your photos and saw you in the real world and ended up having HIGH INTEREST LEVEL but that is very doubtful.

Many times the girl you’re charged up to meet will confirm in her mind that you did not in fact pass her PHYSICAL ATTRACTION TEST and you’ll end up spending the hour desperately hoping her eyes will light up or that she’ll brush your arm while laughing – but neither ever happen because her LOW INTEREST LEVEL from the online world has transferred into the physical world.

Remember guys, women that you have to chase online are not worth it.

Until next week, thanks for your support.

Jeff and I appreciate it.

WEDNESDAY, 3/18:   THE SYSTEM tells you an instance of when it’s okay to be negative.

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